I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
