The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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