Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
