We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
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Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
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Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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