They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
