Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
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I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
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Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize