mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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