There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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