I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
