Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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