pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
