dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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