I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
