I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
