i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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