Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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