My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Just high enough for therapy.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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