he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Houston, we have a squirter
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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