My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
