Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
