Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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