how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
