I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
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He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
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I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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