your thong is hanging out like whoa
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
