apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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