Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
