my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
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He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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