Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
