I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
