I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
