First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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