I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
