"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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