i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
