I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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