I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
