i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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