When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
