Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
