If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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