Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
