People with herpes should wear stickers.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
