btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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