can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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