He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
