I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
