I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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