who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
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I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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