My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
