I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
