glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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