Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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