my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
