i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
