I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
