This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
