At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
