He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
