one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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