I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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